Meredith Efken part 2

Portrait of Writing Mom, Homeschooling, Faith, Writing, Interview

We're back with Meredith Efken, a Stay at Homeschooling Mom, and author.

Do you ever entertain the idea, “If the kids were in school I could get so much more writing done?” If so, how do you put that little voice back in its cage?

LOL! That particular voice is chattering at me almost all the time! So I go through the following routine:

1) I say, “Yes, you’re right!” and proceed to fantasize about the amazing things I’d accomplish if only I wasn’t tied down to homeschooling.
2) Then I bash myself over the head with my own sense of guilt for being so selfish. “If you were a truly committed homeschooling parent, you would give up writing LONG before you gave up homeschooling!”
3) Then, squirming, I look online at the public school schedule for our neighborhood school, as well as the websites of all the private schools in town that would be fabulous but that we could never afford.
4) I shove aside the guilt and toughen my heart and rationalize, “Well, Jessamyn (my oldest) is doing a lot better now. Maybe she’d be okay in a classroom setting. And even if not, it would probably be good for her to learn how to deal with it.”
5) Then I think about the frustration she would experience when she’s expected to take notes even though she can’t remember how to spell words, the embarrassment she’d face when she’s asked to read aloud and stumbles over words (even though she reads silently at 3-4 grades above her actual grade), the trouble she would be in for not being able to stay in her seat more than a few minutes, how bored she’d be having to sit through a math lesson on multiplying two-digit numbers when she can understand algebra concepts (even though she can’t remember her basic math facts).
6) And the guilt goes away, as do the fantasies. I love her too much to put her in a situation I know would be bad for her. It’s that love that quiets the chattery voice and gives me renewed strength to keep on going.

What do you do to encourage yourself during those stormy days every home schooler has?

Well, I don’t think it’s so much a matter of encouraging myself as it is trying to find self-calming techniques! When my 8 year old is in her room screaming and throwing things because she can’t handle the sensory overload or her own frustrations and emotions, I sit down here at my computer and cry, too. I call my husband or a friend, and they listen and empathize. When my husband gets home, sometimes I’ll escape by myself to a bookstore and have a chai latte and get a good, entertaining read.

But even when things seem really bleak, eventually I regain my perspective and equilibrium. And I’m able to see that I am making progress, no matter how slight, and so are my kids. There are always things we can do to make things go better. Ways to improve. New things to try. And when there are not, I just try to continue doing what I’m doing with a new level of patience and perseverance.

I’ve learned a lot about persevering. And unconditional love. And waiting…sometimes more patiently than other times. And I learn a lot about admitting my own mistakes and flaws, too. How to apologize to my kids when I blow it. How to be humble. How to forgive.

But we definitely have some awe-inspiring storms around here, that’s for sure!

Do you ever feel like you’re falling short to what God has called you to do through homeschooling?

Yeah, pretty much every day. Although, to be honest, those thoughts and feelings usually stem from my own expectations of myself, which tend to be set really high. The Rosalyn character in my book—that’s pretty much a picture of the level of expectations I can place on myself if I’m not careful. It’s a bit scary! I can’t ever live up to it.

It’s freeing to remind myself that God never actually put those expectations on me. I am already doing what He has called me to do, and when I stick with that and don’t try to add in my own absurd stuff, then I can see that I’m doing nicely overall. When I get my own self-condemnation out of the way, I have the pleasure of realizing that He is actually rather proud of me. I’m obeying, loving, and following Him with all my heart, and that’s all He asks of me.

That's a big encouragement to me. Thanks, I needed to hear that.

When you find time to write, do you ever feel like you’re neglecting your children?

Not so much anymore, but I used to. My oldest, especially, is good at making me feel like a heel if I don’t spend as much time with her as she’d like. (And she’d like 24/7, I think!) My frustration with that constant tug has been difficult to handle at times. But she’s 8 and my youngest is 5, so they’re starting to become more independent and self-sufficient. It is getting easier.

The girls are also in the process of learning that even though they are incredibly important and one of my highest priorities, they also have to respect my work time. I think kids naturally want to be the center of their parents’ universe (or any universe, for that matter). It’s hard to teach them that this just isn’t reality and it’s not healthy. So we refer to my “job” just like we talk about “daddy’s job.” And we let them know when my writing money or editing money helps provide things for them like dance classes and new clothes.

We’ve explained to them that most families in our country are either single-parent families where the mom or dad is the sole provider, or that both parents have to work. A two-parent family living on one income is becoming more and more of a challenge in our economy, and we want the girls to know that we are trying to give them the privilege of having a parent at home while still providing for our family. They’re slowly getting the concept.

How do you handle interruptions in your writing life?

Poorly, I’m afraid. I’m not an extremely fast writer, and I’m not one who can write in the middle of household chaos and a flutter of activity. I don’t need to be isolated, but I can’t function well with a lot of background noise or constant interruptions. I never use the television or radio for background noise, and although I occasionally write to music, it’s not often. I like it quiet.

When my husband or one of my kids says something to me while I’m in the middle of writing, I tend not to even acknowledge them! It used to drive my husband nuts, early on, when he’d ask me a question and I’d flat out ignore him until 10 minutes later when I’d finally answer his question. I really did hear it, but I couldn’t formulate an answer at the same time as my writing. And getting yanked out of my story world like that is almost painful, so I file the question away and answer later when I can make a gentler transition.

I get pretty short with my kids when they wander in aimlessly for a hug or just to “see what I’m doing.” I’m still working on being more gracious about it, but it is a challenge for me.

For me too!

Larger interruptions that keep me away from my writing for days or weeks, are actually easier to deal with because I don’t have to transition from one world to another. But I have to make sure to carve out my writing time and keep it sacred, or other things do eat it up.

How do you get back into the flow of writing after you’ve been interrupted?

I sit and stare at my screen, rereading what I wrote, or twiddling with it, until I pick up the thought flow and can go with it again. If I’ve been away for a few days, I reread my notes and plotting descriptions and character outlines as well as my story goals and purpose. It helps refresh my mind.

How do you position yourself to HEAR God’s voice when all the noises of life are swirling around you?

I don’t even try! Seriously. If I’m in such a swirl that I can’t hear God, I get myself out of the swirl. I pray a lot in the shower (my excuse for why my showers last 20 minutes!). Sometimes I take a nap. I write a lot in the afternoons while my girls are having quiet time in their rooms. I try to remember to quiet myself before I start writing. I’ll listen to some quiet worship music and maybe even read my Bible. But mostly I just try to become still and just BE. So often it’s tempting to try to DO something spiritual to hear God better—like read the Bible or pray. But I’m learning that I hear God best when I quit trying to do and just empty myself and be open.

I also have realized that God is always speaking to me—even through the busyness of life. And that I hear Him far more often than I think I do. It just doesn’t look like our Sunday School idea of speaking and hearing.

If you did feel your priorities slipping, what did you do to get back on track?

Usually, for me, it’s a matter of reevaluating what I’ve committed to and seeing if there’s something I said yes to when I should have said no. And then fixing it. But other times, it’s a process of returning myself and the kids to a better schedule and routine. It’s a matter of disciplining myself to stick to the routine, even when I’d prefer to go play.

Has there ever been a time God told you to set aside your writing to focus on other areas of your life? If so, how did you handle that?

There’s never been a time when God has told me NOT to write. There have been times that I’ve been unable to write because of other circumstances. (Like when I was pregnant, and so sick that I couldn’t look at the computer screen without puking.) But for me, my writing helps keep the other areas of my life healthy. It helps me stay relaxed and feel like I have a purpose in life. And it is part of my spiritual growth. So it’s been more a process of learning to place priority on my writing and incorporating it into my daily life, rather than of having to shut it down for awhile.

If God told you to hang up the author gig tomorrow, would you do it?

Yeah. Simply because I couldn’t bring myself to break my relationship with God by refusing to listen to Him. But I’d grieve the loss of it, for certain. I love being a writer. I love being an author.

I don’t think it would destroy me, though. I’ve come a long way in my understanding of who I am in God’s eyes and where my true value lies. It’s not in being an author, anymore than it is in being a wife, mom, or any other life role. It’s in being created in His image. And I would hope that that understanding would carry me through the loss of my art and career, if such a thing ever happens.

If there ever came a time you’d have to choose between homeschooling and writing, what would you do?

Find a way to do both! I mean it. That’s where I’m already at, and as long as I can keep inventing creative ways to do both, I will. But I suppose you don’t want me to sidestep your question like that. (What is this anyway, The Interview Where Meredith Faces Her Worst Nightmares?)

LOL!

If there were no more ways to finagle both out of the deal, at this point, I’d have to homeschool. When we became parents, we accepted the responsibility of doing whatever is best for our children. They’re dependent on us. So if there’s something that has to be done to provide for them, protect them, make sure their lives get set in a good direction, it’s our job to do what we can to make it happen. That’s what I signed on for. If I never write another book, it’s not going to damage anybody’s life but perhaps my own. If I knowingly place my child into a situation that will cause her emotional harm and make it impossible for her to reach her potential, especially when I can prevent it, that’s irresponsible and cruel on my part. No book is worth that sort of pain.

However, I am taking steps to try to prevent that sort of a no-win situation. We’re doing what we can to prepare Jessamyn especially for going to a regular classroom at some point. It’s slow going, but my hope would be that by the time we need to stop homeschooling, she’ll be able to function well in a classroom.

Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Actually, yeah. (I heard that groan! Yes, I’m going to prattle a bit more…brevity was never one of my gifts! Sheesh!)

I would like everyone to know that I have a new blog at www.meredithefken.com/blog. It’s called Violet Voices, and it’s my way of having a blog and getting everyone else to write it for me! I’m looking for people to register on the blog and write stories that fit into the categories of Parenting, Stay-at-home Parents, International Adoption, and Women’s Issues. There’s more explanation of how it works on the blog. But I’d love for lots of people to get involved.

I’d also like other fiction writers to know that I am also now freelance editing for novels. I’m calling it the Fiction Fix-It Shop, and I should have a website up by late July or the first week in August, at www.fictionfixitshop.com. I’ve edited for other authors like Randy Ingermanson, Deb Raney, Carol Umberger, etc. and am now expanding to take on new clients. Please feel free to check it out.

And of course, I have to let everyone know that the sequel to SAHM I Am will be out this November! It’s called @Home For The Holidays, and it continues all the SAHM story lines from the first book, plus a bunch of Christmas madness and assorted mayhem. The tagline is “It’s beginning to look a lot like…chaos!” So much fun. You can find more info about it at my website, www.meredithefken.com. You’ll love it, so watch for it!

Meredith, thank you so much for giving us a glimpse into your life as mom, homeschooler, and writer. I know so many struggling moms out there will be blessed by your words of encouragement and your books about SAHMs. May God bless you as you write, raise your children, and continue to be lead by His Spirit.

Thanks, Gina. It was a lot of fun, and a real honor. I appreciate it. Many blessings to you in return.