Today the finalists to the ACFW Genesis contest were announced. I wasn't among them. Secretly I had been hoping and wishing I were, so that it would be one sign from God that I could pick up the pen again, so to speak. I guess either my entry didn't hold up to the competition or God was holding firm to His original plan. I don't know which I would rather believe, knowing I stink as a writer or knowing God doesn't want me to write.
Doesn't really matter either way, the result is the same...I still can't pick up my WIP.
I'm feeling my loss of writing so tremendously right now. Before this contest business, I had a sort of peace about not writing. But now my desires are being stirred again, not to mention that ugly green monster has reared its head.
I don't know if I should just quit all this hope of writing again to spare myself the pain, or struggle through it.
A wise friend (who finaled) wrote me and said, "So, what I'm trying to say is that you really need to completely give it to God. Pray for peace in your current situation. And when you finally reach that peaceful place (and if you're faithful to Him and honest with yourself) then you'll either a) be at peace with His plan for you, or b) He will bless you with an opportunity to write again.
But you REALLY have to let it go and trust in Him. You mentioned His "original plan" for you. My friend, His plans for you have never changed, they are just different than you thought they were. "
So have I fully given it to God? I thought so, but now I'm not sure. Bible stories keep coming to mind, like the image I had of Abraham putting his child on the altar when I gave up my WIP. Now I have thoughts of King Saul when he spared the life of the enemy king and kept the best animals to sacrifice to God. The prophet Samuel told Saul, "obedience is better than sacrifice." Saul shouldn't have held back from God even though he wanted to offer a sacrifice to God.
Am I still holding something back from God?
Then I have images of Aaron building the golden cafe when Moses went up to the mountain. Have I fashioned a golden cafe in the form of this blog?
So many questions, so few tears left to cry, and still I'm not any closer to my answers.Thank God for the comforting words from wise friends:
"My heart cries with you. Nothing is worse than laying our dreams on the altar and waiting to see if God will kill them or give them back to us."
"Don't give up your writing. Just put it on hold for a time. Until you hear God telling you it's time again."
"There's a reason you're missing on this list. The important one. The Sovereign Lord said, "I have a different plan in mind for you. Trust Me. You're going to love it. Sure, maybe not right away. But when all the details unfold, Your disappointment will turn to gratitude. I'll wait. Will you?"
I've been waiting over twenty years. What's a few more in the scheme of things? Yes, Lord. I'll wait. Just give me Your peace as I do.
6 comments:
Gina, FIRST - Just because you didn't final DOES NOT mean your writing stinks. I know your pain in not finaling, but don't put too much weight in this contest. Last year, I took third place in the Noble Theme. I'm still not published.
Be encouraged, dear friend. As a friend recently told me, The prize is in the waiting. Okay, yeah...the phrase sucks too. LOL But it's true.
Keep the hope alive. God hasn't forgotten you.
Oh, Gina ... this is the first time I've been to your blog (Ronie invited me to read her interview--beautifully done, btw!) ... I just have to tell you that I've been where you are! I started my first novel at age 15 and then when my older kids were little, the Lord made me lay it all down for a time, too (I'm not going to tell you how long, because His timing is different for all of us) ... but He gave it back. And it's been exciting and heartbreaking and breathtaking, all at once!
I would just encourage you to keep holding on to Him ... cry out to Him, pour out your heart to Him ... know that when you can no longer cry or hold on, He's holding on to you!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Thanks for all the encouragement, fellow writing moms! The hope is still alive, I'm done crying and now I'm moving on. Just not sure which way to go! I'm the kind of person that loves to plan trips and has everything mapped out down to the rest stops in amusement parks. Following God without a road map is REALLY tough, but also freeing as well. I don't have to stress over ther details because I'm not in control. I just need to remind myself to sit back and enjoy the ride!
I've read your writing, and I KNOW it doesn't stink. :)
Perhaps...It's not that you shouldn't write, but that you're writing about the wrong subject. Is there anything else on your heart that's bubbling, waiting to spill over into words?
Dear one--I was afraid to enter this year because I placed last year and I was so afraid I wouldn't place this year. Guess what? I didn't place. And do you know what it really didn't change anything. I took third place last year. I didn't get published. I didn't win this year. I'm still not published.
After a good hard cry, I realized it was time to just move on and do what I've been doing: trust God with my writing journey, one step at a time.
I crashed and watched "Luther." Now there's a good movie to inspire a girl to keep going even when the goings tough!
I cry with you. I know it hurts. But it really didn't change anything. God is still moving in His own way and we can trust Him.
I just dropped by, several days after your post, but I also wanted to say: Don't think that NOT finaling is some kind of sign.
Lots of Biblical characters had setback after setback. It wasn't a sign that they had no particular purpose. It's just life, and sometimes, God positioning the person for HIS use (not ours, His).
I'm one of those oddballs who thinks you can follow the desire of your heart. Will it always lead to success? No. But not following it will lead to deathed regrets.
I put off writing for over two decades. So, I'm sort of apprenticing now in my middle age, my butt almost too big to fit my large chair. ; )
I don't worry about God publishing me or not. I worry about loving God and following my heart. Period. God honors those who honor Him, one way or another, but God also expects us to suffer, strive, learn, and buckle down to be excellent. He's not gonna zap us with the brilliance stick and make us all Nobel laureates. He says, "Oh, this is the desiret of your heart? Then love me, seek holiness, and follow your bliss as you walk next to me."
If He wants you to stop writing, it will become evident. You will lose the joy of it or a small voice will say, "Pssst, look at this other great thing you can do."
If you can't go through a day without thinking, "I long to write, " then you gotta write. And write not immediately thinking "Gotta win contests, gotta get an agent, gotta run into that editor and pitch."
No, write thinking, "I will write to the best of my ability. Even if it means starting from the basement level and learning about commas and syntax and participles and conflict and goals and etc." Jesus was God, but He had to learn at Joseph's feet how to do the family craft. He had to start with on piece of wood and one tool in his small hands.
So, what is your heart's longing? If it's writing, then write. Don't worry about contests and agents and editors. Write until it's so good, even the toughest critiquer (Is Robin Miller here? heh heh) will say, "You know, this has shine. This has sparkle. I'd read more of this. I'd BUY this."
That may take you months or years.
I read stuff I wrote a few years ago and think, "You know. I'm better. I'm actually BETTER!"
And that's satisfying to me.
I pray you write and take pleasure in the act of creating stories. Then, it's worthwhile and writing is an act of worship, like singing, like dancing. Writing with joy, in a child of God, makes God happy for his children. I'm sure of it.
Hugs to you, my sister.
Mir
http://mirathon.blogspot.com
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